Al Gore has a column in today's NY Times titled "How To Debate George Bush", and I just can't bring myself to spoil the moment by reading it. There is no way the column could be as funny as the title.
Is there a subtitle? Maybe something like "How to Avoid the A**-Whipping Bush Put On Me (And I Put On Myself)"? I am afraid to look.
Fortunately, a Secret Source has provided me an early draft of Al's literary effort, which I excerpt below:
How To Beat That Smug, Annoying, Ignorant Texan In A Debate
- Bring at least three different personalities - voters are bound to connect with one of them.
- You know that the Michael Moore crowd watching at home is sighing, rolling their eyes, and throwing up their hands every time Bush speaks. Show your solidarity with them by doing the same.
- Take it to Bush! At some point, use your size advantage by walking across the stage to within a foot of the little twerp and then glare at him menacingly. He will dismiss you with a quizzical look that says "Gone off the medications again, pal?" and you will be ridiculed the next day, but somewhere a Hell's Angel will slap his barstool and shout, "I'm sold - my vote goes to the Large Menacing One."
- Make stuff up. My FEMA story grabbed headlines; talk about Cambodia, or Chinese assault rifles, or something. Dan Rather still has a job, doesn't he?
OK, I need to actually read Al's final version. Later.
UPDATE: Merriment at Memeorandum.