I Need A Hero

Down in the comments at PoliPundit, the ListKeeper recounts a mix of obvious and little known facts about Jack Bauer of 24:

1) If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
2) If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
3) Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
4) Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
5) Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
6) Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
7) Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
8) Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
9) 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
10) Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
11) Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
12) Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
13) When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
14) If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re fucked.
15) Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
16) When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
17) In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy’s name? Stephen Hawking.
18) Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
19) No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a pussy” in a sentence and lived to tel-
20) In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
21) Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
22) As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”
23) Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
24) If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.
25) If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
26) Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
27) Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
28) Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
29) If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
30) Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

Comments

[larwyn]

Jack Bauer wears GW pajamas.

[homey]

Penelope Pines

[Jim E.]

Very funny post. (It was almost--but not quite--ruined by the first comment in the thread. Does everything have to be so partisan 'round here? Apparently.)

[Legal Lady]

Haha. Thanks for the humorous list :)

[Charlie (Colorado)]

Oh, Jim, ease up.

Besides, everyone knows Bauer wears Reagan pajamas.

With feet.

[Charlie (Colorado)]

BTW, isn't #12 the same as #24?

[larwyn]

Jim E:
I certainly am not the first to tie Jack Bauer and GW together.

Jack has total focus on eliminating threats (evil) to his
country.

In case you haven't noticed, GW
hasn't put his finger in wind and
based his efforts to eliminate threats on pundits or opinion polls. That is why others have been
calling GW the Jack Bauer President.

Get it now? Jack would be great
fan of GW.

Or do you think Jack would alternate wearing Kerry, Gore or
Hillary pajamas?

Sorry I ruined it for you - but I
also provided the link from the
Anchoress to the Listmaker in a post last night after someone brought up Jack Bauer in one of the
NSA posts. And I put my GW pajama
line in that post also.

[noah]

I saw my first episode of 24 last week in a sports bar with rock music blaring in the background...I see it as the only compelling reason to subscribe to cable.

[sbw]

larwyn...
If something is obvious and true, repeating it won't make it more obvious. On the other hand, if something is untrue, repeating it won't make it true. FInally, repeating something irrelevant is obviously, truely, more gauche each time, particularly when you play your game in someone else's sandbox.

[maryrose]

Noah,
24 is on regular television.
Larwyn Jack Bauer rules! Sutherland has a Golden Globe but the Emmy eludes him.

[larwyn]

sbw:
ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

Or to the Dems leadership and the
LSM?

"On the other hand, if something is untrue, repeating it won't make it true. FInally, repeating something irrelevant is obviously, truely, more gauche each time, "

SBW: Do you understand that "24"
and Jack Bauer are fiction???

But if you think it is real - well
then tell us whose endorsement pj's would Jack Bauer wear?

Kofi's?

[TBONELEE]

So that's what happened to Stephen Hawkins.

[sbw]

Nevermind. My mistake. Never feed the trolls.

[kim]

Stephen? Inspiration came to him in a blinding flash, sort o' like Saul.
=====================================

[Bruce Cleaver]

What happens when Chuck Norris meets Jack Bauer?

[steve sturm]

For anyone interested in chipping in, I'm keeping a list of what I call 24isms... the incredible plot holes and 'no way, that can't happen' that are so much a part of the show.

[Forbes]

All right, lighten up a little.

24 is the first ensemble cast, action-adventure, soap opera with a featured player. As soon as Jack opens a segment performing a stand-up routine, you'll know the producers have combined too many television genres.

And it's so over the top, I don't even want to spoil the entertainment value by viewing the link with all the storyline holes (but I probably will).

:-)

[larwyn]

Dear Steve Strum,
"plot holes" exist in just about every offering from the entertainment community.

You want PLOT HOLES give
"Commander-in-Chief" a look - and
wow - the nuclear plant meltdown on
West Wing Monday......what is the
use!

Go bigger budget and please do
"Syriana", "Munich" and "Brokeback"
while you're at it.

The rest of us will get our one
hour of escape for the remaining 19
episodes watching JB slay the "evildoers".

[steve sturm]

Larwyn:

I can only poke fun at what I watch and since I haven't seen any of those three movies, I'll have to pass.

Looking for plot holes is a fun way of keeping interest over the next 19 hours.. especially since we all know that during those 19 hours Jack will get taken prisoner at least once more, somebody Jack cares about will get killed, he will torture at least 3 suspects to get them to give him information, he will violate CTU procedure at least six more times, there will be at least 2 more moles (one more in the White House, 1 more in CTU), 2 more flunkies from Divison will show up, we'll hear the words 'protocol' and 'socket' said at least 190 more times and Jack will say "there's no time" at least once every two hours.

[Mr Bob]

Noah,
24 is not a compelling reason to subscribe to cable...its on FOX and you don't need cable for that.
But the History, Military and Pentagon Channel's on the other hand...

[larwyn]

Steve,
You are right .....but may I just
go to bed one night a week with that pleasant feeling that our deep
hope of America still produces those that risk all to protect us?

Hope you'll give this a read - Hugh
Hewitt linked to this American Digest column on the "presence" of
Joel Stein in the interview.

"The Voice of the Neuter is Heard Throughout the Land"

Excerpts to stir your curiousity:

"there is no foundation or soul within the speaker on which the voice can rest and rise."

"they seem to have a good deal of sex, most often without the burden of love or the threat of chlldren, and in this they are condemned to the sex life of children."

"A generation finely tuned to irony and nothingness and tone deaf to duty and soul."

And to bring it around to placement in the Jack Bauer post:

Here's a great comment:
The other place I've noticed it, aside from the local Starbucks, is in what passes for today's movie stars.Gable, Cooper, Tracy, Cagney, Bogart, McQueen, Mitchum, Peck; from their first screen appearances, they were men, guys that reminded us of our fathers and their friends.Today? Keeanu, Pitt, Cruise. Eternal college-age young adults.Tom Cruise is older now than Bogart was in Casablanca. Steve McQueen was only 31 when he took part in the Great Escape.Our culture no longer prizes "men." Or is this just another Red State/Blue State divide?Posted by: Mike Lief at January 26, 2006 08:01 AM

Read and don't skip the comments
at:

Click here: The Voice of the Neuter is Heard Throughout the Land @ AMERICAN DIGEST

http://americandigest.org/mt-archives/006007.php#006007
January 26, 2006

And let us have our Mondays.

[Dwilkers]

OK. I'll bite.

*Takes a deep breath*

Who's Jack Bauer?

[maryrose]

Dwilkers:
Where have you been for the last 4 seasons?
All previous episodes are available to be viewed on TNT during the week. Jack Bauer{ in real life Kiefer Sutherland} is a counter-terrorism expert who is a modern day terrorist fighter. Last season it was a middle eastern terrorist plot which the left objected to[ felt it wasn't "politically correct" So they had to have a US government official involved as well. Talk about scary episodes.
A tag line which my son always laughs about is Bauer's question " Who are you working for"

[richard mcenroe]

I understand they're having trouble coming up with names for the season collections on DVD

First Season -- 24
Second Season -- Same Shit, Different Day
Third Season -- Wow, Is This a Monday or What?
Fourth Season -- Pleasant Valley Sunday (Gilmore Girls crossover)
Fifth Season -- Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday...

[larwyn]

Dwilkers:

Jack Ryan with a REAL ATTITUDE!

Watch "24" on Monday night at nine
on the Fox network.

[larwyn]

Dwilkers,
Here's Jack Kelly's post on
finally watching "24" this season:

January 17, 2006

I saw "24" for the first time Sunday and Monday

mostly because Lorie Byrd and Rick Moran had said such nice things about the series. Now I'm hooked. Jack Bauer is a hero a conservative can love, maybe only a conservative can love.

Here's Rick:Jack Bauer is a man of extremes. In that sense he is a one dimensional character, hardly a surprise given that we only know him by observing him on the absolute worst days of his life. But if Jack has one flaw in his character that has time and again led him into horrible situations it is that he has an excessive sense of honor. When Bauer gives his word you know he will move heaven and earth not to break it.Posted by jkelly at 04:10 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
Click here: Irish Pennants: I saw "24" for the first time Sunday and Monday
http://www.irishpennants.com/MT/mt-tb.cgi/662

Tom Lifson, American Thinker has also posted and loves Jack Bauer.

And I understand that Dave Barry now has a "24" blog.

Hope these will bring you up to
speed.

[Tom Maguire]

Fifth Season -- Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday...

What about, "If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Nuclear Terrorists"?

[noah]

Maryrose: I don't get Fox over the air.

[Dwilkers]

Ah, OK thanks.

I have to admit to you guys, I don't watch network television. By "don't watch" I mean never...at least not prime time, not in the last 10 years or so.

I watch sports, more baseball than anything else, and some news, but that's about it. My wife and I watch a lot of movies on the weekend though, we use Netflix.

[BumperStickerist]

.

Lies make the Baby Jesus cry.
Jack Bauer makes the Baby Jesus talk.

.

[larwyn]

Noah: It is the Fox broadcast channel - not the Fox cable stations.

Dwilkers: You can rent the DVD's
from Netflix - great for weekends,
if you don't have to get up early
for work.

It is just so funny that so many had "24" as a "secret pleasure"
(My "NPR" daugher said it was a WARMONGER show) until someone, perhaps Lorie Byrd,
came out. So if you trust Byrd,
Moran, Lifson, and the new fan,
Jack Kelly just add to your Netflix
list.

[p.lukasiak]

I think all the wingnuts are going to be really unhappy with this season....

because so far, it looks to be like a wet-dream for Bushco bashers....

a completely clueless president being manipulated by supposedly "patriotic" Americans who want to use the threat of terrorism to gain control over the US government...

This season is looking like the plot of Seven Days in May condensed down to "24 Hours".

[TM]

It's fun to watch Hollywood speculate about the nature of a Kerry Administration.

[Sue]

This is probably not the thread or the time to say I have never watched the show.

running away....

[larwyn]

P.Lukasiak,

Don't you know a warning when you
see one? Jack Bauer is giving America a heads up - "DO NOT LET
THIS HAPPEN AMERICA"

So you are saying that Laura is
a secret alchoholic? Or has mental
problems? And that Andy has to keep
Laura away from GW.
Sounds a lot more like THK now back
to TH to me. Recall they did try
to keep HER away from Kerry during
campaign.

And the now Pres is so "nuanced"
just not GW, and so concerned about
polls, again not GW.

I agree with:
TM:
"to see Hollywood speculate about the nature of a Kerry Administration."

[maryrose]

Compare 24 to the now falling in the ratings "Commander in Chief" supposedly the Hillary white house show. It's 4th in the time slot and the Olympics are coming. After her initial takeover there's no plot there. It's like a recycled West Wing in which C.J. is starting to look long in the tooth.
24 attracts all age groups though some would say it's a tad violent

[larwyn]

Tom titled his post well
"I NEED A HERO" - that's the attraction for us, I think.

I keep watch on both the WW & CIC
just to see what will next come out
of the Left & the LSM memes.
Someone got signals crossed with WW last week - they had a California Nuclear Power station meltdown and evacuation etc etc,
just as Pelosi and Durbin are at
Press Club yesterday promising energy independence in 10 years with Nuke Power considered. Ha Ha
no wonder WW cancelled!

P.Lukasiak thought this year was attack on GW. Well, I just watched
Kerry (he flew back from Darvos) to
rally his troops with a speech on the Senate floor to get up the
"filibLuster". Just look at the
mouth and the jaw line jowls and the long face and compare to the
"24" President's appearance.

Damn it is Kerry!

P.Lukasiak

[The Unbeliever]

p.lukasiak, are you sure you're watching the same show? In the episodes I've watched thus far, I've seen: (WARNING: spoilers ahead)

1) The futility of empty agreements in the face of armed thugs: a weak leader signs some vacuous treaty against terrorism while bowing and scraping before the press, while the real threat of terrorism is solved by hard-boiled men with guns. Lots of guns. (easy comparisons between the UN/Kofi methods, vs US/Bush/military methods)

2) The importance of letting your effective resources continue being effective: Bauer is carted off to CTU on suspicion of assassination, but is instantly cleared to return to work by District's representative, without being bogged down in formal inquiries and investigations (and he celebrates by jabbing scissors into a real assassin's neck, per #29 above).

3) The importance of data capture, call monitoring, and federal data mining: Palmer's real phone call to the First Lady would have been lost without the extensive information retention program. Also, CTU uses a data mining program to get at the cell phone numbers attached to the terrorist's vest. (Might be a stretch to correlate to the NSA controversy, but the show's obvious message is that these programs save lives).

Last I checked, none of those points meshed very well with "Bushco bashers" talking points.

[larwyn]

Great comment Unbeliever!

Hope you'll agree with this:

"Just look at the
mouth and the jaw line jowls and the long face and compare to the
"24" President's appearance.

Damn it is Kerry!"

And sure we will get a backstory on
the "24" Firstlady and exactly who she may be broadly based on.

And it sure ain't Laura!

[Bob Diethrich]

As per #6, uh Helen Keller did have the ability to enunciate speech, she just went deaf at an early age.

Perhaps "once made Marcel Marceau talk?

[Bob Breedlove]

What happens when Chuck Norris meets Jack Bauer? Well, they wouldn't fight so the universe would not end - hey, that's so obvious it hardly needs mentioning. They would probably take a moment, grin, shake hands, then get back to the job of kicking terrorist ass just like real men really do.

Aren't you paying attention?

[maryrose]

Bob:
An excellent resolution and the correct one. They both are on the side of truth, justice, and the American way.

[boris]

hat happens when Chuck Norris meets Jack Bauer?

They swap Dick Cheney stories.

[BumperStickerist]

...............

The President is the Ne Plus Ultra Bad Guy?

That's sort of like finding out that Barney Fife is a mob boss.

................

[Edgar styles]

Jack is a being beyond belief.

I'm looking for a 24 phrase list - this crap is unbelievable!

[sophy]

I do not know how to use the habbo coins ; my friend tells me how to use.

[LOTRO Gold]

When you have LOTRO Gold, you can get more!