Global Warning Solved! (But Don't Hold Your Breath Waiting To See This Implemented)

A breakthrough, outside the box (and back in the fridge) solution to global warming:

February 28, 2007 -- Scientists at the University of Bristol have cracked climate change. Less than a month into Richard Branson's five-year competition, academics will take their winning idea to Virgin Earth and walk away with a cool $25 million.

The solution, published online by The Journal of Unlikely Science, is remarkably simple, requiring no technological wizardry or financial investment. It is quite simply, stop breathing; or at least breathe less.

The authors of the study say those who exercise a lot could be doing no end of damage to the Earth's atmosphere by breathing too much. "All that time that the super-fitties among us spend exercising, they're guzzling extra oxygen and belching out tonnes of CO2."

I would guess, based on this video of Big Bigger Al, that he has minimized his carbon footprint inside the old gym.  But what about the possible market for "exercise offsets"?  You buy the certificate, somebody somewhere does the workout.  Without breathing, of course.  Go long "yoga".

Comments

[clarice]

Now you've got me..Exercise offsets is exactly my cup of tea.

[hit and run]

Sits!!!!!!!

for my exercise offsets.

[rex applegate]

NEW POLL 02/02/07

Mr. Bush’s approval rating dropped 13 percentage points since last fall among Republicans, 65 percent of whom now say they approve of the way he is handling his job as president, compared with 78 percent last October.

And that approval rating?

Over all, Mr. Bush’s job approval remains at one of its lowest points, with 29 percent of all Americans saying they approve of the way he is doing his job, compared with 34 percent at the end of October. Sixty-one percent disapproved, compared with 58 percent in October, within the margin of sampling error.

Twenty-three percent of those polled approved of the way Mr. Bush is dealing with the situation in Iraq. Twenty-five percent approved of his handling of foreign policy.

Even the president’s campaign against terrorism, long his signature issue, is seen positively by only 40 percent of those polled, while 53 percent disapprove.

BDS is ENDEMIC!

[hit and run]

Mrs hit and run wants me to ask about compulsive blog commenting offsets.

I'm not sure what she's trying to say?

[bio mom]

Another CBS/NY Times piece of nonsense. Besides, who cares?? Last time I checked he wasn't running for reelection. Why can't you lefties just get over it!! Also, don't interpret any loss of Republican support to your issues about Iraq. A lot of conservatives are disapproving of Bush's more "compassionate conservative" approach lately to immigration issues, etc. and also to his "talking" to Iran and Syria. It is because he is doing more of the things YOU like that he loses some Republican support. Why aren't you glad about that then?

[Tracy Coyle]

We have increased the population by over 4 billion people in the last 100 years. 4 billion people breathing and generating 98.6 degrees of heat....duh, human caused global defrosting!

Solution: get rid of 3 billion people and stabilize the population there. I suggest China and Moslems....

[Ralph L.]

What's or who's a "long yoga?"

[Patrick R. Sullivan]

There's another way to cure GW, but the side effects are a little tough to take. Though those side effects are a feature if you're looking for an excuse to attack Iran before they get to be dangerous.

[Tom Bowler]

Nice theory. Al-ass, it's">http://www.libertarianleanings.com/2006/04/warmists_lament.html">it's all wrong. The real problem:

On Wednesday, two geophysics professors at the University of Chicago warned those who eat red meat that their increased flatulence contributes to greenhouse gases.

[Gary Maxwell]

Well that highly reviled conservative gossip rag known to some as the National Geographic has an interesting article up:

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/02/070228-mars-warming.html>Mars is warming too, Who knew?

[clarice]

Off Topic--But Hillary's minions are obviously planting dirt abroad on Obama--Haven't they heard of astro turfing? An Australian paper claims Obama's mother's family were slave owners.
http://www.smh.com.au/news/world/for-the-record-obama-descended-from-white-slave-owners/2007/03/02/1172338880761.html>Vast International anti-Obama research network

[danking70]

Obama now has a lock on the Southern vote. Hillary can forget about the nomination now.

[Gary Maxwell]

Man oh man Obama's reparation check goes from the left pocket to the right. Hey wait a minute, that what Al Gore is doing with the carbon credits! It must be a Democrat Party thing, we cant understand.

[PMII]

They sure do know how to spend their money & save it at the same time

[Bruce]

From the National Geographic article: "All planets experience a few wobbles as they make their journey around the sun. Earth's wobbles are known as Milankovitch cycles and occur on time scales of between 20,000 and 100,000 years."

And, surprise surprise, we are at the peak of Milankovitch (in terms of predicted warmth).

See the "Stages of Glaciation" part of the graph:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milankovitch_cycles

Jupiter is having "Climate Change" as well:

http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/060504_red_jr.html

"The latest images could provide evidence that Jupiter is in the midst of a global change that can modify temperatures by as much as 10 degrees Fahrenheit on different parts of the globe. "

[maryrose]

It's going to be a smackdown in Selma,Alabamsa this weekend with Obama and the Clintons

[clarice]

For those who believe in the wobble theory , our reprsentative Prof Milankovitch PUK has anti-wobble offsets. Pay him and he'll get a millions of starving Hindus to sit absolutely still on the other side of the planet until the wobble stops. Call 1-800 - SCAM-RUS now and save 10% of the normal retail price.

[PMII]

Clarice,

LOL

I'm in serious pain - please stop

[rarango]

Damn Clarice--if I didnt know you had four other day jobs, I would tell you to go into stand-up! The next American Idol!

[Nick Kasoff - The Thug Report]

Red meat causes flatulence? What about beans? I suspect the greatest contributor to global warming is Taco Bell. How many bean burritos do they sell in a year? Not to mention that stupid little dog, he must somehow harm the environment too.

Nick Kasoff
The Thug Report

[clarice]

You know, I owe it to TM. He brings it out in me--seriously. I don't know if you've ever seen the essay themes colleges expect applicants to write on , but most of them are so stupid I can only stare at the page. The exception is the University of Chicago which usually offers three or four options. Each one of those is so brilliantly crafted, I could be inspired to write a book of essays on it.(In fact, IIRC, I'm not the only one to think so. I think someone has compiled some years' worth of them into a book--just the themes, mind you.)

[ed]

Hmmmm.

1. Amazingly enough everything that the ultra-left socialist Birkenstock wearing hobo-hippies disapprove of all generate Global Warming!

Who knew? Why I'm as surprised as you are.

2. I'm starting a company that plans on offering carbon offsets to private individuals. $19.99 per year and you too can be Carbon-Free (tm). This plan will even cover excessive flatulence. Meanwhile this corporation intends to invest the majority of income from this plan on how to combat the modern scourge of Global Warming with high technology.

And how will the Carbon-Free (tm) plan work? Well that's a trade secret folks. So just .... trust me on this one ok? But wouldn't you like to tell your local ultra-lefty troll that you, unlike him, are walking happily through life totally Carbon-Free....

3. So I guess this kind of post is what we're going to expect after the Plame thing is over?

I don't know whether or not to be relieved.

[ed]

Hmmm.

And yes. The whole "Carbon-Free" thing is a joke. Which also describes Al Gore paying a company he owns to issue certification to himself that he is now carbon free.

Which is, in it's own way, brilliant. Create a non-profit corporation that issues carbon free credits to individuals or other corporations. People donate money, which is tax deductible, and the non-profit gives the person certification useful when dealing with rabid enviro-weenie lefties.

Silly. But brilliant.

[Barney Frank]

PUK or Clarice,

Does SCAM offer JOM and/or volume discounts?
Considering that my line of business requires me to kill several thousand large trees most years and my equipment belches tons of CO2 into the atmosphere I figure my offsets alone may justify a SCAM IPO.

Maybe you should consider the Sasquatch line of carbon footprint offsets for the worst offenders among us.

[Neo]

And here a new idea for a welcome counter-balance to global warming, regional nuclear war.

Seems the climate models used for determining "Global Warming" can predict the level of "nuclear winter" from a nuclear exchange.

Looks like it might be possible to nuke the hell out Iran and solve "Global Warming" simultaneously. Who knew ?

[clarice]

neo, being a rather sedentary person the SCAM anti-wobble offsets have more appeal to me right now along w. the exercise offset program.

BF, as you might expect, PUK is the creative genius behind SCAMhouse (check out his muy bonito shoes). I am just the facilitator. Rick Ballard is the money man, and I am certain an accommodation can be reached w/ him. His door is always open (and his palm outstretched).

[rarango]

Conceptually speaking, Clarice--would we require fewer starving hindus if we put them on stepladders?

[rarango]

It would increase the moment arm depending on the height of the stepladders--and also recall what some of the trains in India look like with their "ridership" festooned all over the rolling stock--clearly the dexterity is there.

And as I have been concerned with the continued opportunities for Plamiacs following the eventual end of the legal proceding, I see that this whole affair has honed the creative capacities of the entire board. I had nothing at all to fear except offsets themselves.

[Bob]

Gary Maxwell... RE: Mars is defrosting: That's because that NAZI Bush sent those to gas guzzling all terrain Rovers to mars a few years back. I tell you anything that man touches turns into a problem... /s

[clarice]

rarango--but think of all the trees we'd have to cut down to build the ladders--perhaps if we made them out of recycled styrofoam or something (these folks are really thin). We need an engineer, I'm afraid, to do the calculations.

[rarango]

But Clarice--you must not understand carbon offsets--we could purchase carbon offsets by buying reforestation to make up for the trees we use initially, so there is zero stepladder/hindu footprint!

[rarango]

oops--make that stepladder offsets (which could be traded for carbon offsets in the derivative market that Ballard is going to create)

[clarice]

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to see how a petty scam inspires us to such great heights.

[Bill in AZ]

Mars is warming up simultaneously because solar radiation that would normally have hit the earth is reflecting off the clouds over Cheney, Rove, and Bush - and hitting Mars. You KNEW Bush, Cheney, and Rove were responsible - not only for global warming - but Interplanetary warming as well. That's why Fitz tossed that in during rebuttal. Finding Libby guilty is the LEAST the jury can do to strike back against the evils of this administration.

[danking70]

Bush should use the preemption doctrine on global warming by bombing an active volcano with tons and tons of baking soda.

[clarice]

danking--I love that. I bet every middle school science fair prisoner would, too.

[danking70]

Thanks Clarice.

A real world answer/solution to that age-old HS question: "How will I use what I'm learning here in real life?"

[clarice]

HEH..
I've seen about a thousand baking soda volcanos in my mother of a budding scientist days . Nothing like watching beaming kids and parents over all those papier mache thingies....

[Bob]

Back in the days when Scientists spent their days with more important endeavors than Global Warming!

http://www.the-scientist.com/news/home/52923/>Beer, and the biochemists behind it

-- indeed, in seventeenth century England, most children drank beer, not water.

ah when kids knew how to be kids... kicking back watching a paper mache volcano while have a brewski!

[fdcol63]

We must reduce bovine flatulence!

Cow farts contribute to global warming.

[PeterUK]

Barney,
SCAM does indeed do volume discounts,it is by these means that we secured the services of the sedentary Hindus,a compensating effect is being engineered with the pogo dancing craze sweeping China.

BTW,Our latest product Speed Offsets allows you to drive an equivalent speed over limit if you have been driving under the limit.
Our scientist are working on Alcohol Offsets,if you haven't had a drink all week you can make up for it Saturday night.
Welcome to the Wonderful World of Offsets.
May Gaia be with you.

[Rick Ballard]

"Does SCAM offer JOM and/or volume discounts?"

Sorry for the delay in responding, Barney, but it has been a very busy morning. S C A M offers a very wide range of discount opportunities which are completely customized for each individual who chooses to use our services. A detailed analysis of potential savings will be provided upon request and I am pleased to announce that a contract was signed this morning with Gruppo Bastaoseimorta SpA of Palermo to provide customer support and final resolution of any questions raised in doing business with S C A M.

Additionally, Sappiamotutto, Inc. of Washington, DC will be handling lobbying for the special amendment to Sarbanes-Oxley giving S C A M its 'good cause' exemption from some rather onerous reporting requirements. It's amazing what those fellows can do simply by utilizing available micro-recording devices. The clarity of detail is remarkable. I would never have thought that a majority of our lawmakers had such peculiar habits.

[Bob]

Hey PUK... just wondering if driving backwards is worth anything... seems that moonbats and Democrats are just like JF'n Kerry and tend to do a lot of Flip Flopp'n... we got to capture that energy!

[rarango]

Rick: your business model for the S-O exception must be based on this bit of Breaking News

[PeterUK]

rarango,
Welcome to the new paradigm,every aspect of human endeavour may be Offset.Of course some Offsets will not gain sufficient to reduce your Offset debt.For example,you might not spent enough time driving backwards to make much of a reduction on driving forwards.It is this end SCAM has introduced the Single Transferable Offset Voucher,thus re-using the bath water on the garden can be offset against forward driving.

[PMII]

Money offsets.

[Pofarmer]

Hey, I just thought up a great name for my new Carbon Offset trading endeavor

wait for it

wait for it

Greenfleece!

Whadda ya think.

[PMII]

Goldenfleece

[clarice]

Greenfleece--Hmm PUK-Let's buy them out and set up a campus operation.

[Rick Ballard]

"Greenfleece!

Whadda ya think."

I think it's great. It's so good that S C A M has obtained a trademark, a copyright and has applied for a patent.

Thanks!

[MCL]

Great post at protein wisdom. Gore is just not thinking big enough. He needs to take the carbon credit thing to the next level. For 10 billion or so, we could buy our way into compliance with Kyoto, and better yet, we could finance it with a small increase in the gas tax and just drive our way to environmental bliss.

http://proteinwisdom.com/index.php?/weblog/entry/22540/

[chad]

I am a man ahead of my time I was advocating this soulution a couple of years ago:

http://kurulounge.blogspot.com/2005/06/does-dirty-air-cool-climate.html>June 30, 2005

http://kurulounge.blogspot.com/2005/09/you-are-to-blame-for-recent-hurricanes.html>Sept 21, 2005

http://independentsources.com/2006/07/05/north-korea-missles-chad-doctrine/>July 5, 2006

I wonder when I can expect my check from Richard Branson?