Obama Explained

Here we go in answer to "Who is this man we are about to elect President?":

Obama is just an ordinary guy whose mother Stanley raised him in Indonesia. He's a Constitutional law scholar whose 2nd Amendment views turned up to the left of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, in that he thinks no one has a right to a gun (unless maybe they're part of the new Civilian National Security Force). He was President of Harvard Law Review apparently without writing anything (so he must have really scored in the swimsuit competition). He got started in politics with the help of Bill Ayers, who's some kind of Bizarro World angry version of Tommy Chong.

To keep himself grounded, he attends church regularly not in a while usually when the other guy is preaching (not the Catholic one, the other other guy. Steve. You don't know him.)

Barack Obama also enjoys spending time with his wife Michelle, who you can't hear for a minute without thinking "winsome" (and then, immediately, "yalosesome".) Michelle has become the most successful Vice President of Community Relations at any hospital in America, despite being black. She enjoys taking her six thousand dollar weekly paycheck to Chicago bodagas and haggling over slightly bruised fruit.

Obama's chief campaign platforms (as of 11:02 EST 7/18) are that Iran absolutely isn't not not not a significant danger that no one in their right mind would be worried about more than him, and the desire to help all Washington achieve the integrity of his beloved Chicago.

Seems clear.

MORE:  Joel Stein tackles the Barack Comedy Challenge in the LA Times.  His first attack theme resonates here:

He's a nerd. Yes, he seems cool because he plays basketball and fist-bumps and knows about pop music. But that's because we're comparing him with other politicians, all of whom are older than our grandparents. Compare Obama with other 46-year-olds and he's Urkel. He's the kid at the Model United Nations conference who says, "Guys, guys, c'mon. Let's not make fun of Eastern Europe." And the brutal truth is, even if women faint at your rallies, you'll never feel cool inside when you have Alfred E. Neuman's ears.

I've been pounding the table on the theme that McCain is cooler than Obama, but does anyone care?  OK, forget "care"; does anyone even believe it?

 

Comments

[hit and run]

That is awesome, bgates!

The swimsuit competition line kills me.

In fact, when I laughed out loud reading it yesterday at work, I almost had to explain lie about why I was laughing, to cover up my JOM habit addiction.

But I'm ready for such situations..."Hey look, I think someone brought donuts and left them break room"

Having used that one, I need another one for next time. I'm thinking of installing a panic button under my desk. When pressed, it automatically calls my phone, so I can say, "oh, I need to take this..."

[Soylent Red]

All those words TM, when you could have simply said:

"Con man bullshit artist".

I guess that doesn't make for as interesting a blog though.

[Elliott]

While the swimsuit competition line is winning all the plaudits, the triple negation with respect to Iran is deserving of acclaim as well.

[Elliott]

Sorry, quadruple negation.

[Porchlight]

My personal favorite is the Michelle "winsome"/"yalosesome" pairing. Very deftly handled.

[kim]

Porchlight, how about going Dutch with the sadder, Budweiser Girl?
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[MayBee]

the triple negation with respect to Iran is deserving of acclaim as well.

Yeah. I totally stole that when I was talking with someone about Obama yesterday.

[sbw]

McCain is cool because he is McCain, warts and all. Obama is not cool because he is ... calculating himself to be whatever a voter hopes for.

Elect a cunning, lust-for-power chameleon and you get ... hurt. It's too dangerous. There is no functional United Nations to take up the slack abroad, and at home there is no telling how much self-serving, counter-productive claptrap the country can take before the economy that lifted all boats collapses under the weight.

Weighing liberty and equality, liberty has brought more equality than equality has brought liberty.

Weighing impatience to do good and free enterprise, impatience (over-reaching control) has done more harm than free enterprise has done. Free enterprise trusts the individual to decide for himself what is best and distrusts every special interest from government on down.

Okay, unbelievers. Where's the cogent counter argument?

[bgates]

Gosh, that's nice. Thanks.