The National Enquirer will hit newsstands Thursday with more on the Al Gore as sex-crazed poodle story. I meant to pick up some milk at the supermarket anyway, so I may tap the extensive JOM research budget and pick up a copy.
Big Journalism has more and repeats the question asked by many - where are the other masseuses? Suspenseful!
Finally, about that cover - the National Enquirer photo shows the masseuse holding a pair of pants helpfully labeled "her stained pants", and the cover promotes "DNA testing". Que pasa?
Per the woman's extended statement in 2009, Al Gore wrestled with her for a while in the hotel bedroom. On subsequent inspection her pants seemed to have been stained; she saved them for possible testing, although we inferred that the Portland police did not follow up on that.
So, did the National Enquirer do some DNA testing? I doubt that had an Al Gore DNA sample, but they might have been able to confirm that some male fluid was present.
And as we have a Monica flashback, we recall that Ken Starr told Bill Clinton's legal team the results of the DNA testing on the famous blue dress before asking the President about it; no "gotcha" Perry Mason moment there. One doubts the National Enquirer will be so scrupulous.
One thin September soon
A masseuses hand disappears
Beneath the sheet
Vapors rise as
Fever settles on my lower abdominals
Make my bone dissolve
Slow strokes from the moobs to belly
Ice fathers floods in your pants
A hard tug and my recount comes quickly
Then my throat is parched
Your hand is placed near wood
For the VP's celebration
Unknown creatures in my shorts
Take their leave, unload!
Gynecologists ready their stirrups
Passion seeks a 2nd Chakra release
The belle wants a tip?
On the hill I was the most Hung
The client cries
The hour of release has arrived
Here! Is my tool.
h/t ACE
Posted by: peter | June 30, 2010 at 01:51 PM
Crazed poodle. Sick puppy.
Posted by: MarkO | June 30, 2010 at 01:58 PM
chakras, shmakras, get the caffeine away from TM. I can no longer keep up with all these threads.
Posted by: Clarice | June 30, 2010 at 01:59 PM
Mama Gaia wants
Her second Chakra released.
Burn it, Babe; burn it.
===========
Posted by: Homo anthropo do mi arrigato. | June 30, 2010 at 01:59 PM
Oh, how deeply I love this stuff! Let us hope the NE milks this thing for weeks to come.
Just saw J. Christian Adams talking to Megyn Kelly about the Black Panthers case. Very compelling.
Posted by: Danube of Thought | June 30, 2010 at 02:19 PM
From 'Cheepnis' in 1973, by Frank Zappa -- whose widow Gail is good friends with Tipper:
Posted by: Dave (in MA) | June 30, 2010 at 02:28 PM
I haven't had this much fun since Scott Beauchamp's mindthoughts and soulpatterns.
Actually this is better, since it does not involve the slander of American troops by mendcious leftists.
Posted by: Porchlight | June 30, 2010 at 02:32 PM
This appears to be the current TMZ-like thread, so the LUN, I would hope, is not out of order.
Posted by: Thomas Collins | June 30, 2010 at 02:44 PM
I have long said Al Gore is insane. The masseuse calls him a "sick man."
Isn't Tipper some sort of psychologist or something?
Posted by: centralcal | June 30, 2010 at 02:49 PM
Agreed, Porch.
There were some hilarious threads during the Beauchamp saga.
Posted by: lyle | June 30, 2010 at 02:57 PM
lyle,
I think Ace of Spades was the funniest place on earth during the Beauchamp thing. Lots of laughs here, too.
Posted by: Porchlight | June 30, 2010 at 03:08 PM
TC,
I like that Elin made it a condition of the settlement that Tiger can't have his girlfriends near the kids.
Overall I have very little interest in the Tiger saga, but boy, $750 mil sure is a lot of cake.
Posted by: Porchlight | June 30, 2010 at 03:19 PM
Tipper has a BA and MA in Psychology. I bet Al's New Age Climate Cult conversion was a chakra too far for her.
Posted by: DebinNC | June 30, 2010 at 03:24 PM
Porch, I agree that Elin handled this well. By the way, Elin has more than an agreement to keep Tiger from exposing the kids to the, shall we say, less savory aspects of his life. Tiger no doubt realizes that if Elin is not in any way satisfied with how his visits with the kids go, he will once again be playing the role of a Titlelist for Elin's golf practice shots!
Posted by: Thomas Collins | June 30, 2010 at 03:53 PM
Tiger had to agree to the massive $750 m settlement, because Elin threatened to expose steroid use (whether true or not).
Which would finish Tiger's career and throw PGA golf into chaos (if they had to discuss rescinding all of Tiger's victories).
Posted by: sam | June 30, 2010 at 04:02 PM
Porch: $750M for a woman who should be in jail for assault and battery makes it a super duper big deal. I am far more worried about having her around the kids. As far as we know neither Tiger or any of the so-called "girlfriends" has a penchant for bodily damage.
Posted by: Sara (Pal2Pal) | June 30, 2010 at 05:18 PM
NRO">Daniel Foster at NRO:
Posted by: Sara (Pal2Pal) | June 30, 2010 at 05:24 PM
10:30 at night, alias Mr. Stone, wants his chakra released, $540,...
There is no question what was going on.
Posted by: Janet opposes chakra releasing | June 30, 2010 at 05:28 PM
from the Frank Zappa song, "Dirty Love"
'll ignore your cheap aroma
And your little-bo-peep diploma
I'll just put you in a coma
With some dirty love
THE POODLE BITES!
(Come on, Frenchie)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Snap it!)
THE POODLE BITES!
(Come on, Frenchie)
THE POODLE CHEWS IT!
(Snap it!)
It gets worse, but we now know exactly what was passing between the sex poodle's synapses as he chased the masseuse around the room.
It also seems that Mr. Climate Change has a slight problem with premature excitement.
Posted by: matt | June 30, 2010 at 06:37 PM
Matt, LOL! Zappa's the man today!
Posted by: Janet opposes chakra releasing | June 30, 2010 at 06:59 PM
Well Hayek made his minister of culture or some such, back in 1990, but he was one strange character
Posted by: narciso | June 30, 2010 at 07:02 PM
Al Gore's dirty love. LUN...heh...
Posted by: matt | June 30, 2010 at 07:30 PM
It's rare that a Zappa quote isn't relevant.
Posted by: Extraneus | June 30, 2010 at 07:35 PM
From KPTV.com (Portland) just now:
Posted by: Danube of Thought | June 30, 2010 at 09:13 PM
Tipper dropped a dime on him, I'll bet...he probably has a history....
Posted by: matt | June 30, 2010 at 09:31 PM
I won't rest until his public humiliation is complete. A good start would be for Leno, Letterman and Stewart to begin ridiculing him.
Posted by: Danube of Thought | June 30, 2010 at 10:00 PM
I want him to be publicly humiliated, but more importantly I want his carbon trading schemes to be revealed as the fraud that they are. The stakes couldn't be higher and it's possible that it will all come crumbling down.
In the short term, I don't see how Leno and Stewart could resist. Second chakra? Who even needs writers?
Letterman may have to stay away given his own proclivities.
Posted by: Porchlight | June 30, 2010 at 10:20 PM
Porch: $750M for a woman who should be in jail for assault and battery makes it a super duper big deal. I am far more worried about having her around the kids. As far as we know neither Tiger or any of the so-called "girlfriends" has a penchant for bodily damage.
Shorter response: I worship Eldrick and anybody that doesn't is evil. I was high on pot when I wrote this so don't expect it to make sense, but at least I wasn't drunk because then I would've written really rotten things about Elin.
Posted by: Captain Hate | July 01, 2010 at 09:20 AM