I can't find this anywhere on the internet so I am engaging in wholesale appropriation from the comments section of NRO where (as best I can tell) a comic genius has been hiding under a bushel basket.
The launch point is political correctness run amuck and the "dubious" Wonder Woman lunchbox story. I picture this as DeBlasio's vision of New York, but your location may vary.
[9-1-1]: Anytown 9-1-1. What is your emergency?
[Caller]: OMG, help! Two men broke into our house and shot my little girl!
[9-1-1]: What is it that you want us to do?
[Caller]: Send the police! One of them is pointing the gun at my husband right now and said he's going to shoot him, too! OMG, hurry! Please hurry!
[9-1-1]: Sorry, we no longer solve problems with violence. The patrol division was disbanded.
[Caller]: That's ridiculous!
[9-1-1]: No, it actually made a lot of sense. Most of the department quit because they were afraid of being sued or prosecuted for shooting back. We were down to 10 officers, not enough to fill a shift.
[Caller]: Can't you do anything???
[9-1-1]: Of course I can! Can you give us a description of the intruders for the detective bureau? We still have a few of them working.
[Caller]: Well, one guy is white and the other guy is --
[9-1-1]: STOP! We can't accept descriptions that contain references to sex, gender, race, ethnicity, national origin, age, or disabilities. It leads to stereotyping and profiling, which is bad.
[Caller]: Then how do you know who to look for?
[9-1-1]: We're on a proactive enforcement model now. Our focus is on prevention and intervention, not accusation and punishment. Oh, and it's required in the Justice Department's consent decree.
[Caller]: Then how do you catch the criminals committing murder in my house???
[9-1-1]: Well, first off, they haven't been convicted of anything yet, so it's rather judgmental of you to call them "criminals." Could you ask them for their names and addresses?
[Caller]: I'm hiding from them, you moron!
[9-1-1]: Please refrain from using terms like "moron." That word is exclusionary and hurtful, and I'd have to report you to our Equality and Dignity Compliance Division. That's in the consent decree, too.
[Caller]: Then what am I supposed to do?
[9-1-1]: We suggest complete submission. Maybe you'll get lucky. <bang!> Then again, maybe you won't.
[Caller]: That's it? Surrender to murderous thugs and hope for the best? That's crazy!
[9-1-1]: Hey, now. "Crazy" is another one of those words. I really don't want to have to report you.
[Caller]: So there's nothing you can do for me?
[9-1-1]: Well, if it were up to me, I'd suggest prayer, but I wouldn't want to risk offending you by imposing my religious beliefs.
[Caller]: OMG, I give up.
[9-1-1]: Yes, I know. Most of us have. Thank you for calling Anytown 9-1-1. Have a nice day.
And have a nice powered-up, light it up, drink it but don't think about it weekend.
Well, it works that way in Milwaukee right now.
Posted by: henry | September 04, 2015 at 06:23 PM
Happy Labor Day weekend to all of my friends at JOM, whether they are inflators, deflators, Trumpsters, Cruzers, Walkers, runners, or beach sunners!
Posted by: Thomas Collins | September 04, 2015 at 06:26 PM
Happy Right to Work Day weekend TC!
Posted by: henry | September 04, 2015 at 06:28 PM
and have a nice weekend.
TM, we went thru this last week. "Nice" is for the George Will GOPer's and the David Brooke's of the world.
"Have a Vulgar weekend" is the new salutation for the non-testosterone challenged in the Age of Trump. So blow off the diet and eat a steak. It's the Donald's favorite food!
Posted by: daddy on iPad | September 04, 2015 at 06:31 PM
In Wisconsin, yes, henry. In Massachusetts, I doubt it would happen even after hell froze over.
Posted by: Thomas Collins | September 04, 2015 at 06:33 PM
meanwhile MARIJUANA!!!!!
Posted by: GUS | September 04, 2015 at 06:37 PM
Is that just on the reservations? Or are the casinos now "smoking" areas? I haven't paid much attention to the tribes lately.
Posted by: henry | September 04, 2015 at 06:47 PM
meanwhile GAY MARRIAGE!!!
Such progress Obama has made.
Posted by: GUS | September 04, 2015 at 06:50 PM
I think almost all of you, including Tom, will enjoy my first post this morning, Paul Krugman, Ace Geographer.
And those of you who have to know geography for a living -- daddy, for instance -- will be startled by Krugman's mistake.
Posted by: Jim Miller | September 04, 2015 at 06:57 PM
I'm thinking Jindal might be the best choice to kick Hillary's ass. I hope he makes the next debate.
Posted by: Extraneus | September 04, 2015 at 06:58 PM
Welcome to San Angeles police department.
Posted by: narciso | September 04, 2015 at 07:00 PM
Have agreat Labor Day Weekend all!
Posted by: maryrose | September 04, 2015 at 07:10 PM
TC
Great post!
Posted by: maryrose | September 04, 2015 at 07:11 PM
Shocking that Kruggers is so dense regarding geography AND it didn't get caught by one of Carlos Slim's layers and layers of fact checkers. Outstanding fish wrap imo.
Posted by: Captain Hate on the iPad | September 04, 2015 at 07:19 PM
We're police officers! We're not trained to handle this kind of violence!
You are an incredibly sensitive man, who inspires joy-joy feelings in all those around you.
Be Well!
Walgreens says "Be well!" when you enter and exit their stores, and I'm always tempted to be really snarky with a Demolition Man comeback...
Posted by: Stephanie | September 04, 2015 at 07:35 PM
Nice post, Jim Miller!
To paraphrase Reagan, 'It's just that so much of what Kruggy knows ain't so.'
As a Geography aside, last trip I had a reserve guy quizzing us, who asked "if you took the world globe, where could you stick a pin in the ocean that would be further away from any piece of land from anywhere else?"
I thought somewhere in the western Pacific, but he answered that it is a point about halfway between the California coast and Hawaii. I haven't checked it out, but he is probably correct. Anyhow, when we do that leg, cal to Hawaii or vice versa, we set up a point called the ETP, equal time point, meaning considering winds and distance, if you have a problem mandating landing quick, if you have not reached the ETP you do a 180 and head backward, if you are past the ETP you press on to the closest field.
Anyhow last night, at about 2 minutes prior to reaching ETP we suddenly had a "Battery Charging" alert. I had never seen one in flight on this electric jet, so it got my attention. If the Battery dies on this bird it can create all sorts of unknown, obscure problems that can multiply quickly, so we were concerned. Eventually it resolved itself,and we wrote it up and they changed the Battery in Oakland, but it made me think that since it happened almost exactly at ETP, and I remembered what the guy had said about that being the longest distance between land of anywhere on the planet, it sort of for a short while, made me laugh and go "oh s***! all at the same time. Ha!
BTW, am on the Bart train heading back to the hotel after a quick used bookstore run this morning up to Berkeley. Gorgeous day, but as I returned thru Sproul Plaza just 15 minutes ago, they were having a huge SJW campus rally called "BLACK AT CAL". Hope Stanford kicks their ass this weekend.
Posted by: daddy on iPad | September 04, 2015 at 07:41 PM
Nice post, Jim Miller!
I don't know whether I should blame using that adjective on being subconsciously indictrinated by the black lives rally at Berzerkeley, or maybe I should just Plead the 5th.
Ai yi yi!
Posted by: daddy on iPad | September 04, 2015 at 07:48 PM
Daddy, be vulgar. Drink the 5th before pleading it.
Posted by: henry | September 04, 2015 at 07:55 PM
"if you took the world globe, where could you stick a pin in the ocean that would be further away from any piece of land from anywhere else?
Perth to Boston
What is ETP?
Posted by: Jane | September 04, 2015 at 07:57 PM
Henry, Old joke in the industry
How many northwest pilots does it take to get a plane airborne?
2 and a fifth.
Posted by: daddy on iPad | September 04, 2015 at 07:57 PM
Jane it's called an equal time point. At that point it would take exactly the same time to turn around and find a safe place to land as it would to continue on to a safe place to land. We only use it on long overwater legs, but if something bad happens before ETP, we turn around. If something happens after ETP, keep going onward.
As for the quiz it just means if Caro had to swim to shore if her boat sank, her longest possible swim to a bit land would be if she sank exactly mid distance between San Fran and Hilo Hawaii. Anywhere else she sank on earth would be a shorter swim to the nearest bit of land.
Posted by: daddy on iPad | September 04, 2015 at 08:04 PM
daddy - Thanks. Glad you liked the post,
(I found your "geography aside" fascinating. I don't think I would have been able to guess the answer, without studying a globe, hard. I probably would have guessed somewhere in the southern Pacific or Indian oceans.)
Posted by: Jim Miller | September 04, 2015 at 08:05 PM
--but he answered that it is a point about halfway between the California coast and Hawaii--
Makes sense since HI is supposedly the most isolated island group on earth and there's just about nothing between CA and HI other than the Farralons which are just off the coast.
Posted by: Cispigmented Heteronormative Microagressive Vulgarian Ignatz | September 04, 2015 at 08:14 PM
Anywhere else she sank on earth would be a shorter swim to the nearest bit of land.
Yikes! I bet she would make it.
Posted by: Jane | September 04, 2015 at 08:27 PM
For the first twenty or thirty years I lived in Hawaii most inbound commercial flights from the mainland had a contest where passengers were asked to write down their best estimate of ETP: the hour, the minutes, the seconds. Cockpit would give you lots of information: airspeed in knots; wind direction and speed and so on, and everyone submitted their best try. Even though I made five or six trips per year, most years, I never won, although Mister did once. Prize was always a bottle of Champagne. Fun in olden times when flying to Hawaii was a big event for most.
Every kid here learns in kindergarten that he lives on the most isolated real estate on earth. Gives us bragging rights, along with the invention of Spam musubi.
Posted by: (A)Nuther Bub | September 04, 2015 at 10:25 PM
I'd like that AB.
Posted by: Jane | September 05, 2015 at 07:29 AM
Henry "Well, it works that way in Milwaukee right now."
Can you elaborate please? And/or give sources I should start reading?
Posted by: pst314 | September 06, 2015 at 02:55 PM